Q: What do I do
about someone who over gifts (gives too much)?
A: That's
tricky. But the answer depends on the giver's motivation for giving
such gifts. If a friend is trying to manipulate you or make you feel
indebted to him (and what true friend would?), then you should
definitely return the gifts. If a friend is trying to please you but
is making you uncomfortable in the process, it’s time for a frank
discussion. If he still persists in giving you expensive gifts, and
there are no strings attached, enjoy them! It would be hard to be
upset with him if all he's trying to do is please you.
Q: My question
has to do with purchasing gifts for two or more households.
Example: If you have a household that has three members in it and
you give them $50 each, that’s $150 for that household. If you have
a household that has one member, what is the proper amount to give
$50 or $150? In other words is the spending amount based on number
of individuals or on the overall amount spent on the household?
A: Several
considerations might come into play when considering what to spend
on a gift—the gifting occasion, the relationship between the giver
and the recipient, the financial resources of the giver, the needs
and wishes of the recipient, etc. But ultimately, the answer to
every question about how much one should spend on a gift is the
same: spend what you can afford to give something you think the
recipient will like.
It’s not
imperative you spend the same amount for each recipient (or
household) on your gift list. For example, a two-year old might be
pleased with a gift costing much less than one might spend to please
an older child. That said, parity issues among older children close
in age can be a little trickier. But if each child is truly happy
with his or her own gift, it’s not likely they’ll be comparing price
tags. Ideally, the same is true for adults.
Q: My parents
are nearly 80 years old, live in a house that is paid for, and have
other significant assets. In addition, they both have pension funds
and collect Social Security. They live frugally, never going on
trips or buying things for themselves. They are great parents and
grandparents. My brothers and I live comfortably and are successful
in our own rights. Most people my parents’ age start moving funds
into accounts for their children and grandchildren to protect assets
should they eventually go into a nursing home. My parents have not,
and only give very modest gifts of $50 to $100 for birthdays and
holidays. My children struggle financially and I help them out as
much as I can. But I’m wondering how to approach my parents about
giving more substantial cash gifts to their grandchildren while my
parents are still alive to experience the great joy of seeing the
relief and enjoyment the gift of a grand or two could bring. I’ve
dropped several hints, but to no avail. They send so little relative
to their grandchildren’s needs. What else I can do to get the
message across to them?
A: It sounds
like you have already done all you can to get your message across to
your parents. Perhaps they are wondering what they can do to get
their message across to you. Our parents were raised in a time when
money was scare (The Great Depression and Post World War II).
Understandably, they have their own perspectives on spending. Many
find security and peace in saving. This is quite different
from today's "buy now, pay later" approach to finances.
From your own
account I can see several "gifts" your parents are already giving
you and your children. Through their frugal lifestyle they have
given you freedom from the burden of caring for them financially.
You said that you and your brothers are successful in your own
right. How much of your financial comfort can be attributed to your
parents—either
directly (by funding your education)or indirectly (by serving as
responsible fiscal role models)? The $50 to $100 birthday gifts you
refer to as "very modest" would be considered "extremely generous"
by some. I hear of children who still get a birthday card with a $1
bill from grandparents. And, although it's hard to know exactly what
people are thinking, perhaps the "great joy" you feel your
parents would get out of sending a grand or two to your children
pales in comparison to their joy in knowing their grandchildren will
most appreciate that which they acquire through their own hard work.
I realize this
is probably not the answer you hoped for, but from a gift-giving
standpoint, it is never proper to dictate what (or how much) anyone
should give, no matter what the financial status of the giver vs.
the getter. You might, however, consult a financial planner on how
best to sensitively approach your parents about managing their
estate. Just keep in mind, however, it is theirs to manage.
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