Q: Is it appropriate to give a visiting Korean client a nice
umbrella as a gift?
A: There are
two reasons I would consider giving something other than an umbrella
to your Korean client. The first is that Korea produces a good
number of umbrellas and even holds the patent on a nifty rotating
umbrella. The second is that the Japanese occupation of Korea (1910
to 1945) is referred to as The Black Umbrella. I don’t know whether
or not this created any sensitivity in respect to the giving of
umbrellas (unless, perhaps it’s a black umbrella from a Japanese to
a Korean), but why risk it?
Q: My parents
are nearly 80 years old, live in a house that is paid for, and have
other significant assets. In addition, they both have pension funds
and collect Social Security. They live frugally, never going on
trips or buying things for themselves. They are great parents and
grandparents. My brothers and I live comfortably and are successful
in our own rights. Most people my parents’ age start moving funds
into accounts for their children and grandchildren to protect assets
should they eventually go into a nursing home. My parents have not,
and only give very modest gifts of $50 to $100 for birthdays and
holidays. My children struggle financially and I help them out as
much as I can. But I’m wondering how to approach my parents about
giving more substantial cash gifts to their grandchildren while my
parents are still alive to experience the great joy of seeing the
relief and enjoyment the gift of a grand or two could bring. I’ve
dropped several hints, but to no avail. They send so little relative
to their grandchildren’s needs. What else I can do to get the
message across to them?
A: It sounds
like you have already done all you can to get your message across to
your parents. Perhaps they are wondering what they can do to get
their message across to you. Our parents were raised in a time when
money was scare (The Great Depression and Post World War II).
Understandably, they have their own perspectives on spending. Many
find security and peace in saving. This is quite different
from today's "buy now, pay later" approach to finances.
From your own
account I can see several "gifts" your parents are already giving
you and your children. Through their frugal lifestyle they have
given you freedom from the burden of caring for them financially.
You said that you and your brothers are successful in your own
right. How much of your financial comfort can be attributed to your
parents—either
directly (by funding your education) or indirectly (by serving as
responsible fiscal role models)? The $50 to $100 birthday gifts you
refer to as "very modest" would be considered "extremely generous"
by some. I hear of children who still get a birthday card with a $1
bill from grandparents. And, although it's hard to know exactly what
people are thinking, perhaps the "great joy" you feel your
parents would get out of sending a grand or two to your children
pales in comparison to their joy in knowing their grandchildren will
most appreciate that which they acquire through their own hard work.
I realize this
is probably not the answer you hoped for, but from a gift-giving
standpoint, it is never proper to dictate what (or how much) anyone
should give, no matter what the financial status of the giver vs.
the getter. You might, however, consult a financial planner on how
best to sensitively approach your parents about managing their
estate. Just keep in mind, however, it is theirs to manage.
Q: We recently
mailed out our “save the date” wedding notices. Last week we
experienced an unfortunate situation that affected our finances, and
as a result, the size of our wedding. We now need to cut our guest
list by two-thirds (family only invited). So we have started calling
people personally to tell them the news. So far, our friends have
been very understanding of the situation, which is wonderful at this
awkward time. However, a friend we haven’t told the news to sent us
a wedding gift. What is the proper way to handle this situation?
Should I return the gift immediately, then call her to let her know
I shipped back the gift and why? Or should I call her to tell her
news and offer to send back the gift?
A: Hold the
phones! I assume “save the date” notices were sent only to those
folks you felt sure cared enough about you to schedule future plans
around your nuptials in the first place. Given this affinity, it
should come as no surprise that gifts would follow your happy
announcement. What is surprising, however, is that you should
consider returning a gift as though it were simply a refund of
prepaid admission to the wedding reception. Returning the gift might
offend a giver whose only desire was to wish you happiness in your
forthcoming marriage. (On the other hand, being “uninvited” to the
wedding might change the giver’s wishes for your lasting joy.)
I’m sorry to
hear of your financial misfortune. But instead of paring down the
guest list, why not pare down the wedding fare? Certainly, those
who care enough about you to share in your special day will not be
offended if you can’t afford to treat them to a five-course meal.
Ultimately, it’s
a matter of priorities. You—and all who love you—can nibble finger
foods buffet style, or you—and a few family members—can be served
dinner by an army of tuxedoed waiters. But whichever you decide, you
must not treat gifts like admission to the affair or treat gift
givers like ticket-holding patrons.
In gift giving,
as in other aspects of life, you’ll find that people are more
important than things. With this in mind, I’m sure you’ll resolve
this dilemma with your friendships intact.
Q: Someone
mentioned to me that you're not supposed to open wedding gifts
received in the mail until after the wedding but other people have
said that you are supposed to send thank you notes for wedding gifts
received before the wedding within two weeks of their arrival. My
confusion is complicated by the fact that the thank you cards I
ordered are printed with the words, "The Montoyas—Established April
19, 2005,” so it seems inappropriate to send these thank you cards
out before the wedding day. What do you suggest I do?
A: Gifts should
be acknowledged as soon after they are received as possible, and
certainly within two weeks of receipt. Since each thank-you note
should include a handwritten message expressing your heartfelt
appreciation for the specific gift, it will be necessary (and fun)
to open the gifts to see what they are. If you don’t wish to use the
House of Montoya cards prior to the formal establishment date, you
might pick up a few blank paneled informals to acknowledge gifts
received before the wedding. Personally, I prefer to use these for
all thank-you cards (though at times they are difficult to find
since most card-store variety informals come with “Thank You”
printed on the front of them). Alternatively, if you are the
whimsical type, you might get away with unabashedly scrawling the
words “to be” above a caret inserted between the words “Montoyas”
and “Established” so that the card now reads “The Montoyas ^ to be
Established April 19, 2005.”
Q: In order to
attend the wedding of my husband’s close friend, we have incurred
costs of almost $1,000 (for plane tickets, lodging, rental car,
etcetera). My husband feels that since we are spending so much in
order to attend, that our “presence” is our “present.” I feel that
if you attend a wedding you should bring a gift. Who is correct?
A: You are
correct. Your presence might be priceless (and pricey), but it is no
substitute for a present. The expenses associated with attending the
wedding are the responsibility of the guests. They may be weighed in
the decision of whether or not to attend, but should not be factored
into the cost of the gift. While it is not necessary to give a gift
to everyone from whom you receive a wedding announcement, it is
customary to give gifts to those for whom you care enough to attend
their wedding.
Q: We are
having a disagreement at my office. Can you please tell me if there
is a “rule” about the amount of money you should give to the bride
and groom?
A: I can hear
it all now…some arguing that you give according to where in the
country you live (i.e., bigger city = bigger bucks), others
according to how much is being spent on each guest attending the
reception, and still others according to how much the bride and
groom spent on your wedding gift.
But the only
“rule” for what any gift should cost is this: You give what you can
afford.
For many
reasons, I am not a fan of cash gifts. One reason gifts of cash are
awkward is that the recipient knows exactly what you “spent.” I
know that cash wedding gifts are the convention in some parts of the
country. Many couples admit it’s all they want—some even go to great
lengths to inform family and friends they’d rather do their own
shopping, thank you. Givers relent because it’s convenient or
because they want to comply with the couple’s wishes. But in my
heart I like to believe that well chosen gifts have priceless
sentimental value (no matter what their cost) and will be remembered
by a grateful bride and groom long after the cash gifts evaporate.
Q: Where do you
draw the line between a gift that is thoughtful and one that is too
personal?
A: If by
“personal” you mean presents customized to the recipient’s tastes
and preferences, there are no gifts that are too personal. If by
“personal” you mean suggestive (lingerie), intrusive (office
invasions in the form of singing telegrams), manipulative (gifts
that hint to self improvement), lewd (lap dances by strippers), and
gag gifts intended to be humorous at the recipient’s expense, that’s
another story. Such gifts—though highly “personal”—are generally
inappropriate.
Q: Should a
couple expect a gift at their first anniversary party? My friend is
having a get together to celebrate her first anniversary, her
daughter’s birthday, and Father’s Day—all of which are on the same
day. I don’t feel they should expect gifts from their guests. I
helped to give the bridal shower and purchased a wedding gift. What
is the correct thing to do?
A: It’s hard to
imagine what others expect. The situation is awkward because (except
for housewarmings) people don’t usually host parties at which they
will be the guests of honor (i.e., gift recipients). I personally
would bring a single gift to cover all three occasions (and serve as
a lovely hostess gift as well). For under $20 you could give a small
photo album or a picture frame that holds several pictures. If you
have them, insert a few photos of the family members. Leave other
frames open for pictures to be taken on Sunday, the day they will
commemorate the three special events. You might include with your
gift an inexpensive disposable camera for taking the pictures. If,
by the end of the evening, you are feeling particularly generous,
you could even offer to have the pictures developed for them.
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