Q: At what
point in a relationship is it appropriate to start exchanging
gifts?
A: Appropriate
gifts are always appropriate. Think of gifts as communicators. Even
in the early stages of a relationship, gifts can convey important
messages regarding attentiveness to each other’s wants and needs,
the level of interest in the relationship, and the giver’s
intentions.
Q: Are women
more likely than men to give gifts and to expect gifts in return?
A: In general,
women are both more likely to give and to expect gifts. Based on my
research, women read much more into gifts than do men and tend to
analyze the messages behind presents, even when no particular
messages are intended.
Q: Is it just
as wrong to spend too much on a gift as it is to spend too little?
A: Absolutely!
Recipients of inappropriately extravagant gifts are put in an
uncomfortable position. Such gifts beg the question, “What is
expected in return (an equally extravagant gift…a deeper level of
commitment…favors of one sort or another)?” Giftees also squirm
when they feel a gift is beyond the giver’s means.
Q: When it
comes to the cost of a gift, are there price range guidelines based
on the stage of the relationship?
A: It would be
impossible, and unhelpful, to specify such ranges. For example,
giving a $50 gift represents a far greater sacrifice for a
struggling student than for a 25-year-old dot-com millionaire.
The rule for the
cost of a gift is always the same: the giver spends what he or she
can afford in order to give something that will please the
recipient. As noted above, gifts that are too extravagant (relative
to the giver’s means and the relationship) cause the recipient to
feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, when a giver spends too
little (relative to his means and stage of the relationship) he
looks cheap. In either case, the giver fails to please the recipient
and the rule is not met.
Q: Where do you
draw the line between a gift that is thoughtful and one that is too
personal?
A: If by
“personal” you mean presents customized to the recipient’s tastes
and preferences, there are no gifts that are too personal. If by
“personal” you mean suggestive (lingerie), intrusive (office
invasions in the form of singing telegrams), manipulative (gifts
that hint to self improvement), lewd (lap dances by strippers), and
gag gifts intended to be humorous at the recipient’s expense, that’s
another story. Such gifts—though highly “personal”—are generally
inappropriate.
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