Q: Is it proper to print, "No gifts, please," or, "In lieu of
gifts, please send a donation to ..." on a wedding announcement?
A: Since gifts are not
compulsory, it would be presumptuous to dictate your preferences in
this manner. However, family members and friends may spread
the word by sharing your wishes with those that ask. You can
always donate to your favorite charity any cash gifts you receive.
In any event, always be prepared to graciously receive gifts from
those that still wish to give them.
Q: How can
we let others know we prefer gifts of cash?
A: Ditto (see answer to
preceding question).
Q: Our
marriage was annulled shortly after the wedding. What is the
proper thing to do with the wedding presents?
A: As in
the case of a cancelled wedding, each of you is responsible for
returning presents sent by your own friends and family along with a
brief note of explanation.
Q: In order to
attend the wedding of my husband’s close friend, we have incurred
costs of almost $1,000 (for plane tickets, lodging, rental car,
etcetera). My husband feels that since we are spending so much in
order to attend, that our “presence” is our “present.” I feel that
if you attend a wedding you should bring a gift. Who is correct?
A: You are
correct. Your presence might be priceless (and pricey), but it is no
substitute for a present. The expenses associated with attending the
wedding are the responsibility of the guests. They may be weighed in
the decision of whether or not to attend, but should not be factored
into the cost of the gift. While it is not necessary to give a gift
to everyone from whom you receive a wedding announcement, it is
customary to give gifts to those for whom you care enough to attend
their wedding.
Q: How long after a wedding
may a wedding present be sent?
A: Some etiquette experts say
up to one year, but I can't imagine a gift being refused after the
"deadline."
Q: I have
accepted invitations to a wedding July 26th and another August 2nd.
Is it too early to drop off the gifts now (June 9th) at the brides’
parents?
A: Wow. That’s
a new question. Most people want to know how long after the wedding
they can send a present. But to answer your question, wedding
presents may be sent any time during the engagement.
Q: Is everyone that receives
a wedding announcement or invitation obligated to send a gift?
A: No. Gifts are never
mandatory, but if you care enough about the wedding couple to attend
the wedding or reception, you will want to send a gift.
Q: If I haven't received a
thank-you note for a gift I sent to a wedding couple, should I call
them to see if they received the gift?
A: No. You should call
the service through which you arranged delivery—the
store from which you purchased the gift or the post office, for
example.
Q: How soon after a wedding
should thank-you notes for gifts be sent?
A: Handwritten thank-you
notes should be sent as soon as possible—but
no later than two weeks—after a gift is received. If you will
be going on an extended honeymoon, arrange to have cards sent to
acknowledge the receipt of gifts when they arrive and follow up with
you handwritten notes as soon as you return from the honeymoon.
Q: What can we do with
wedding gifts that do not reflect our tastes or lifestyle?
A: Write a
sincere note to thank the sender for his or her thoughtfulness and
then—depending on the value you place on the relationship versus
that which you place on the gift—exchange it, discard it, give it to
someone who will enjoy it, or store it for easy retrieval in the
event of a visit by the donor. White it is rude to ask what
someone has done with your gift, there are still plenty of people
who do so.
Q: Is
there an easy and inexpensive way to keep track of wedding presents
and thank-you notes?
A: Yes.
Simply record the following information on a three-by-five index
card: the giver's name, address, and telephone number; the
item and date it was received; and the date your handwritten
thank-you note was sent. The cards are easy to sort as needed
and serve as a future directory of friends and relatives.
Q: How
much is appropriate to spend on a wedding gift?
A: When
giving any gift, you spend what you can afford to give something you
think the recipients would like. Well chosen gifts—in all price
ranges—can have priceless sentimental value. And you don’t have to
think in terms of china and crystal. My friend Sheryl said one of
the best wedding gifts she and her husband, Dale, received was a
case of tennis balls from her old boyfriend. She said the gift was
special because it addressed something she and Dale enjoyed doing
together—playing tennis. In her words, the gift was “different,
useful, and very personal.”
Q: We are
having a disagreement at my office. Can you please tell me if there
is a “rule” about the amount of money you should give to the bride
and groom?
A: I can hear
it all now…some arguing that you give according to where in the
country you live (i.e., bigger city = bigger bucks), others
according to how much is being spent on each guest attending the
reception, and still others according to how much the bride and
groom spent on your wedding gift.
But the only
“rule” for what any gift should cost is this: You give what you can
afford.
For many
reasons, I am not a fan of cash gifts. One reason gifts of cash are
awkward is that the recipient knows exactly what you “spent.” I
know that cash wedding gifts are the convention in some parts of the
country. Many couples admit it’s all they want—some even go to great
lengths to inform family and friends they’d rather do their own
shopping, thank you. Givers relent because it’s convenient or
because they want to comply with the couple’s wishes. But in my
heart I like to believe that well chosen gifts have priceless
sentimental value (no matter what their cost) and will be remembered
by a grateful bride and groom long after the cash gifts evaporate.
Q: If sending a
check in the mail, before the wedding, to whom should the check be
made out?
A: If sent
before the wedding, checks are made out to the bride, in her maiden
name. After the wedding, checks are made out to both the bride and
the groom, in their married names.
Q: When and how
are wedding presents best displayed?
A: After the
wedding, in the home of the bride and groom.
Q: We recently
mailed out our “save the date” wedding notices. Last week we
experienced an unfortunate situation that affected our finances, and
as a result, the size of our wedding. We now need to cut our guest
list by two-thirds (family only invited). So we have started calling
people personally to tell them the news. So far, our friends have
been very understanding of the situation, which is wonderful at this
awkward time. However, a friend we haven’t told the news to sent us
a wedding gift. What is the proper way to handle this situation?
Should I return the gift immediately, then call her to let her know
I shipped back the gift and why? Or should I call her to tell her
news and offer to send back the gift?
A: Hold the
phones! I assume “save the date” notices were sent only to those
folks you felt sure cared enough about you to schedule future plans
around your nuptials in the first place. Given this affinity, it
should come as no surprise that gifts would follow your happy
announcement. What is surprising, however, is that you should
consider returning a gift as though it were simply a refund of
prepaid admission to the wedding reception. Returning the gift might
offend a giver whose only desire was to wish you happiness in your
forthcoming marriage. (On the other hand, being “uninvited” to the
wedding might change the giver’s wishes for your lasting joy.)
I’m sorry to
hear of your financial misfortune. But instead of paring down the
guest list, why not pare down the wedding fare? Certainly, those
who care enough about you to share in your special day will not be
offended if you can’t afford to treat them to a five-course meal.
Ultimately, it’s
a matter of priorities. You—and all who love you—can nibble finger
foods buffet style, or you—and a few family members—can be served
dinner by an army of tuxedoed waiters. But whichever you decide, you
must not treat gifts like admission to the affair or treat gift
givers like ticket-holding patrons.
In gift giving,
as in other aspects of life, you’ll find that people are more
important than things. With this in mind, I’m sure you’ll resolve
this dilemma with your friendships intact.
Q: What do you
give someone who just got married and is well established in a home.
She owns the house and he’s moving in.
A: The fact
that the bride and groom are well established lends itself to a host
of fun gift ideas and frees you from shopping for the often-mundane
items many couples need to set up house. Depending on your budget
and the couple’s interest, the possibilities are endless. You might
base your gift on something the couple enjoys doing together
(anything from cooking to gardening to skydiving) or on a mutual
passion (collecting, reading, or charity work, for example). One of
my favorite wedding gifts to give is table service for two for the
couple’s special dining occasions (independent of any table service
for which they’ve registered, of course). Other favorites include a
picnic basket outfitted for two, luxurious towels, and sports
equipment (I loved the badminton set my husband and I received for
our wedding).
Q: Someone
mentioned to me that you're not supposed to open wedding gifts
received in the mail until after the wedding but other people have
said that you are supposed to send thank you notes for wedding gifts
received before the wedding within two weeks of their arrival. My
confusion is complicated by the fact that the thank you cards I
ordered are printed with the words, "The Montoyas—Established April
19, 2005,” so it seems inappropriate to send these thank you cards
out before the wedding day. What do you suggest I do?
A: Gifts should
be acknowledged as soon after they are received as possible, and
certainly within two weeks of receipt. Since each thank-you note
should include a handwritten message expressing your heartfelt
appreciation for the specific gift, it will be necessary (and fun)
to open the gifts to see what they are. If you don’t wish to use the
House of Montoya cards prior to the formal establishment date, you
might pick up a few blank paneled informals to acknowledge gifts
received before the wedding. Personally, I prefer to use these for
all thank-you cards (though at times they are difficult to find
since most card-store variety informals come with “Thank You”
printed on the front of them). Alternatively, if you are the
whimsical type, you might get away with unabashedly scrawling the
words “to be” above a caret inserted between the words “Montoyas”
and “Established” so that the card now reads “The Montoyas ^ to be
Established April 19, 2005.”
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